Part 1: Starting Somewhere
Hello beautiful! I’m so happy to finally be writing a new post. It’s been hard finding the right words and I unloaded what felt like a TON of trauma with my last blog. On one hand it was great but on the other, it had me in a funk and where I didn’t quite feel like myself. I’ve also have been fighting imposter syndrome and had to keep reminding myself that the whole point of this blog is not to be your counselor or therapist but to share my experience and how I’ve been able to work through my issues. I wasn’t quite sure what I wanted to write about or what would be best to share with you all. I’ve started this thing multiple times but wound up deleting each one.
What I have come to learn about myself is if I sit in the quiet and just listen, the answer will manifest itself. So that’s just what I did. Since my grandma had (as my kids would call it) “main character energy” in my last blog, my counselor thought it would be best to work through the grief process because I clearly had not accepted losing her. For those of you who have lost a loved one or someone close to you, I’m SO unbelievably sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry you had to experience that heartbreak and pain. You should be proud of yourself for your strength and that you have made it through 100% of the days you thought you weren’t going to!
I had an idea of what grief was but I never considered actually experiencing it myself. Though I haven’t fully accepted my grandma passing, I am a lot closer. Again, I don’t hold a degree, and not everyone’s grief journey is the same. This is just my experience and what I have been doing to help me in those times of sadness when I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around her one more time. I hope these words provide you inspiration or answers to why you may be experiencing certain emotions or actions. I encourage you to try the workbook or find your own unique way to work through your grief because you deserve happiness without guilt.
Over the course of a few weeks, we worked through a grief workbook. (If you would like to print it off to work through it on your own, the website and link are at the bottom.) I will hit on the topics and questions that I felt really hit home for me, the ones that made me really, FEEL.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross hypothesized that grief is experienced in 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. They do call out that not everyone who grieves experiences ALL 5 stages, nor is the process linear. Once again implying, “not everyone grieves the same”. The image below shows those five stages and the feelings associated with each one.
Image provided by: https://online.visual-paradigm.com/infoart/templates/five-stages-of-grief/
Although I feel most grief is due to the loss of a loved one, and that is the focus of this blog, I’ve learned that grief is a reaction to ANY loss and may be experienced as sadness, numbness, or even physical pain. Whether experienced in the past or currently being experienced, some of the events that can cause grief are below. Events I am guilty of experiencing are underlined.
Divorce or marital separation, infidelity, ending of friendship or romantic relationship, loss of virginity, dismissal from work or school, loss of safety after trauma, incarceration of a loved one, significant move, estrangement from family, loss of closeness in a relationship, birth of first child, young child starting school, adult child leaving home, miscarriage or abortion, a child born with birth defects or a disability, infertility, death of a pet, aging, loss related to a traumatic event, loss or destruction of sentimental possessions, loss of a personal dream or goal, uncovering a devastating secret, loss of an important role, personality changes due to illness, loss of belief in God or religion, loss of hope.
Through all these events, you unintentionally learn different reactions to certain feelings and emotions. So when you experience those feelings and emotions, you automatically say or act a certain way. Some of the grief reactions they list that I found most interesting are below. The instructions were to call out ones that I was feeling or had felt the week prior to this session. Again I have underlined those reactions that I felt (at the time) more frequently or stronger than others.
Anger, anxiety, apathy, bitterness, emptiness, fatigue, fear, guilt, helplessness, irritability, loneliness, numbness, regret, sadness, self-pity, difficulty concentrating, difficulty making decisions, forgetfulness, absent-mindedness, accident-prone behavior, avoiding reminders of the deceased, avoiding talking about the deceased, crying, dreaming about the deceased, eating too much or too little, decreased interest in activities that used to bring pleasure, mood swings, reckless or self-destructive behavior, trouble sleeping, visiting places associated with the deceased, body aches & pains, exhaustion, spasms of grief, hollowness in the stomach, lack of energy, loss of appetite, nausea or upset stomach, over-sensitivity to noise & light, considering or questioning the meaning of life, seeking meaning in the loss.
Although you might not realize it, these reactions are a sign of grieving as well. Speaking from my own experience, it’s hard for me to be myself, to make goals, and chase my dreams, because every time I put myself out there and went after that goal or dream, something came along and took that from me. In the end it made me feel undeserving of what I just achieved and not good enough. It’s hard to find courage when you are afraid. You would rather stay small and live life how everyone else expects you to. Deep down inside that isn’t me though. I wasn’t made to be cookie cutter. I constantly remind myself that I am in charge of my life now and if I want it, there shouldn’t be ANY reason to not go after the things in life that make me happy.
Looking at all of the thoughts and feelings, I can say, up to this point, I have related to every single one of them. All of them that is, except acceptance. You refuse to believe it, telling yourself “they aren’t really gone.” Or confused, asking “how can this happen?” You get angry, and spiteful. “Why does this have to happen to them?” “What did they do to deserve this?” You try to bargain with God, “Please, I’ll do anything if you let them live.” You beg God to take your life in place of theirs. You offer to do and give whatever it takes to not lose this cherished item. You feel like the world has ended, your heart broken in ways that could never be mended. You feel all of this, but never once, do you want to accept it as reality. Reality makes it true. It confirms the loss and pain. You cycle through these stages, like seasons hoping and searching for acceptance, reason, or truth.
If you’re like me, you shove all these thoughts and feelings down. You find ways to numb the pain, ignore that fact that it happened, or for you Coco fans, it’s Bruno, and “We don’t talk about Bruno.” You never sit and FEEL the feelings that need to be felt. Sorry to tell you that you are not doing yourself any favors by doing so. In order to get to that acceptance stage, you HAVE to sit in those feelings. I’ll tell ya, when I finally allowed those feelings to take over, my “EUREKA” moment happened. I finally realized it wasn’t her dying that was hurting me. I missed her terribly but I was also missing who I was before she passed. She was my escape, my safe space, my protection. I could unload my thoughts, feelings, and dreams and they would be met with understanding, encouragement, and judgment free. I got to be a kid with her. She allowed me to be creative. I had my own space at her house. It was no wonder I was feeling sad, lonely, and lost.
If any of this resonates with you or stirs some spark inside of you, please, give that spark some oxygen! Fine a time and space where you feel comfortable and just think about not just who that person was, but who they were to you! What elements of your life did you enjoy most with them in it?
I’ll let you ponder with that thought for now and next time I’ll share the ways I am allowing myself to be happy and how I am working on accepting her being gone. This life is too short to hide in the shadows, broken hearted. I’m sure that’s not the kind of life they would want you to live either. You deserve to live up to your full potential and show the world what a beautiful soul you are. The only way to get there is to know how you tick and the only way to do that is to be quiet, listen, and most importantly, FEEL those feelings! This world deserves to see the real you and all the beauty and creativity you bring. It’s going to be tough. It is going to require you to be vulnerable and it’s going to be uncomfortable at times but be comfortable with the uncomfortable. That is where growth happens.
Love, peace, and chicken grease,
-Em
To access the Mind Remake Project grief workbook, click here.