Much like my thoughts - outta my control!
As I stood in the shower, feeling the hot water warm my skin, I started to make my mental note of all the topics I wanted to discuss with her today. You see, a couple of months ago, I finally made an appointment with a counselor. It was that or my marriage very well could end at any moment and my children would grow up not having the right morals and beliefs (or so that’s what it felt like).
For the last five years, my two children (boy 15, girl 12), my husband, and me had been adjusting as a blended family trying to figure out the right dynamic and every day was feeling like a struggle and I was stuck in the middle between my husband and children.
Like some of you may have experienced in your own marriages, it’s almost as though we hit the emergency brake on the honeymoon stage and dove head first into the roommate stage. Looking back, it was definitely a slow progression I chose to deny. Communication wasn’t happening, we were just going through the motions, I wasn’t appreciating my husband the way he deserved and on top of that, I had been feeling lost. Not only as a mother and wife but as a human being, I was still asking myself: “what do I want to be when I grow up”. I knew I was put on this earth for a reason but I had NO idea what that reason was or where to start.
Deep down, I knew a lot of our problems stemmed from my own self-doubt, insecurities, lack of self-love, and stubbornness. I was certain that Taylor Swifts “I’m the problem, it’s me” was my theme song and I made sure to sing at the top of my lungs every time it played in the car. Finally, after feeling like I was completely failing as a mother and wife I decided that I would attend two counseling sessions a month. One I would attend by myself to work on me and the other both my husband and I would attend together so we could work on our marriage, or if he was out of town, I would go for the extra session for myself. Since my husband travels a lot for work, I found myself attending most sessions alone. I’m not complaining though because lord knows I needed it!
Even with all the extra “me” time, I was still only scratching the surface on working through my issues. I was starting to notice small wins throughout the day but I still found myself DREADING every other Friday knowing I had counseling scheduled. Vulnerability is tough and the emotions that come with it are exhausting. Talking about myself always made me feel uncomfortable and conceited. My counselor realized this about me early on and started offering me paper and pen so I can write my answers down instead of verbalizing them. I found that made it a lot easier. Although I prayed for a reason to cancel, I still showed up to every session with intention, determined to be a better me.
It had been a pretty eventful couple of weeks and for the first time I had to cancel a counseling session. My family had suffered a tragic loss the week prior and the viewing was scheduled the same day as my next session. Since my husband was out of town, he wasn’t able to attend counseling or the viewing so I canceled on counseling and asked my sisters to attend the viewing with me because what woman does anything alone. We all agreed we would drive down Friday afternoon, attend the viewing, and stay in a hotel near our hometown Friday night. Although the circumstances were unimaginable, I was thankful for the time I was getting with JUST my sisters. We rarely get time without one of us being blessed to have a child or husband with us. We drive home Saturday evening because I have to be at the airport Sunday morning at 4am to leave for Las Vegas for a work convention.
I had just finished reading “Girl Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis, which if you are a female and have not read it yet, I HIGHLY suggest you pick up a copy from your local bookstore. This book put so much in perspective for me. It’s like receiving a bear hug from your grandma/grandpa after they haven’t seen you in months. It warms your heart, reminds you that you are loved, and encourages you to give yourself grace.
I was like a sponge wanting to soak up as much positivity and motivation as possible so when I found out there would be a motivational speaker at convention, and his topic was dreams and living the life that makes you happy, I was elated and eager to hear his speech.
As I sat there, listening to his story, I realized we had a lot in common. We weren’t happy with our current life and we wanted something better. We both had dreams and ideas of who we were going to be as an adult that didn’t quite pan out the way we had hoped and we were lost. We were both unsure about what we wanted to do and had no energy or motivation to put ourselves out there.
He did say something that really spoke to me. He asked us to think about who in our lives give us energy and who do we feel drained after spending time with. (I refer to those as “energy vampires”). If you want to be successful, happy and energetic you have to surround yourself with successful and happy people who bring you energy. Do things that make you happy and feed your soul.
Energy vampires drain you because you allow them to by not having concrete boundaries and expressing what those boundaries are and respecting yourself enough to speak up when someone crosses them. I empathize with people to the point I have no energy left to give. Not even to myself. I bend and ignore my own boundaries so that others will be happy, even if it robs me of my own happiness. I will talk positivity at you until your ears fall off but fail to talk positive to myself. Queue the music!
Realizing that some of the energy vampires in my life are people I LONG to have a relationship with, people I care for deeply, I found myself perplexed. How can I spend more time with them when they are not positive people and I leave their presence absolutely drained? I didn’t see a gray area; it was all in or all out for me I didn’t see a middle ground. So I presented the question to my counselor. She explained it to me like this: Cutting people out of your life is situational. You cannot control how someone acts or how they feel; you can only control how you react. If their behavior affects you physically or you have expressed your boundaries multiple times and they refuse to respect them and intentionally cross that line, you have the right to cut them out of your life faster than they cut to commercial’s after Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” at Super Bowl 38th halftime show.
Saying I’m sorry to someone, in my opinion, is a promise to them that you will do better and be better. If we are having the same conversation over and over again and you aren’t willing to accept responsibility for your role in the issue and make things right, why am I wasting my time and energy?
I also brought up a situation in where I wanted to express gratitude to someone but was hesitant to because I didn’t feel as though they would react the way I felt they should. My counselor asked me, “Would it make you feel better if you verbalized your thoughts?” As I sat there thinking for a moment, I almost said yes but instead answered, no. She must have x-ray vision into my thoughts because she then asked, “Are you saying no because you honestly don’t believe you will feel better or are you saying no because you are afraid you may not like their reaction?” I giggled and kind of rolled my eyes realizing what she was saying. She once again was reminding me that I cannot control how someone else feels, thinks, or acts. I can only control how I react. She was telling me to stop hurting myself by holding in my feelings and thoughts because I feared how it would make the other person feel. I hurt myself by holding in my feelings or I end up hurt by their reaction. If there is pain either way, what do I have to lose by at least verbalizing my feelings?
It takes a lot of energy to show up intentional EVERY. SINGLE. DAY as a mother, wife, employee, friend, sister, co-worker, etc. I spend so much of my time obsessing over things I cannot control even if I wanted to. Things such as the weather, what people think of me, are my loved ones are happy? Life is all about choices and as humans; we only have so many hours on this planet. You can either live a happy life by surrounding yourself with positive happy people, spend your energy on things/people that make you happy and bring you joy, or you can waste your energy obsessing and worrying over things you can’t control even if you wanted to. Either way, the choice is yours to make so what type of life will you choose?
Until next week,
-Empathetically Yours